Al Gore Statue Erection fails
By a vote of 15-14, the resolution to honor local Tennessee homeboy, Albert Arnold Gore Jr., has failed. Authors of the measure thought it was time the state testified to Gore’s Nobel Laureateness and internet inventiveness. Most senators voting against the measure argued that Al Gore is still alive (though this point has been highly contested) and only dead men can be honored with an erection in the statehouse.
No peep out of the Gore camp on whether he’ll campaign for a bust instead, his website acts like it never happened, just like it does with his kids in Nerf Korea. Will Al go there? Will he come back? What would he have to do to get them back?
Will he eat dog?
No More Bongo
Omar Bongo Ondimba, President of Gabon has died. His friends called him Omar Bongo. One Norwegian foreign Minister mistakenly identified him as Bongo from the Congo. Whatever… No more Bongo. He went down in Barcelona. It was his heart. The Bongo was 73.
For 41 years Mr. Bongo ruled Gabon. In 2008 when Fidel Castro retired his fatigues and put on that awful track suit, it was Bongo who became the World record holder for most years logged as a national powerman.
Bongo leaves behind a relatively stable country, some statues of himself and plenty of bookkeeping to look into. The man had a number of grand estates in France and St. elsewhere, not to mention his velvety Stutz Royale- one of only three ever made. I wonder who gets the keys to the limo anyway…. When managing oil revenue for Elf it’s always difficult to keep your hands clean. Jacko sighted getting some kind of Bongo lifetime achievement award. Vaya con Dios Señor Bongo.
The Spawn: A look inside the North Korean nuclear family
The DPRK by night… a great place to set up a telescope
It has recently been reported that North Korea is flaring up… again. This is not the first time that the country has played the wild card and threatened to blow up the universe. North Korea is mad about nuclear weapons. Maybe it has something to do with that fateful day July 9, 1950 when Douglas MacArthur suggested blowing up the North with atomic bombs.
“I see here a unique use for the atomic bomb…to strike a blocking blow“
I can see how MacArthur would think that. By October of 1950, B-29s had already unloaded 866,914 gallons of napalm on the Northern lands. The war would of course linger on and the truce that started in 1953 is now considered over. Pyongyang has been a little klepto since 1950 about getting their hands on the yellow cake. When South Korea announced plans that they would board and search vessels coming in and out of the harbor. North Korea went ballistic. But who’s in charge up there?
Kim Jong Il, fearless leader and film buff, seems to be suffering from complications of a stroke and/or bad haircut. This may or may not have precipitated missile launching. It’s difficult to say just who is in control in Pyongyang today. Obviously there is a lot at stake for the top Military Brass who have dedicated their lives to support the national brainwash. But what of the Kim Dynasty? Who will take up the burden and paint themselves across the country as the Eternal president 공화국의 영원한 주석? Who will tend to the Family Mausoleum?
Kenji Fujimoto, the personal sushi chef for Kim Jong-il wrote a tell-all memoir aptly titled, I Was Kim Jong Il’s Cook. Mr. Fujimoto is no doubt a much better chef than biographer, however he is one of the only earthlings to have ever wined and dined the Kim family. His character studies may shed light on the future of the Juche State. Kim Jong Il has done his share of fruiting and multiplying. By fertilizing as many different women as possible he has ensured a stronger chance at genetic variability for North Korea’s future. Here are some of his works:
김정남 Kim Jong-nam (b.1971) alias- Pang Xiong “Fat Bear”
Firstborn illegitimate child of Kim Jong Il and DPRK movie starlet. Raised in secret and fed only kim chee and cheetos. Arrested at Narita airport in 2001 while trying to visit Tokyo Disneyland (東京ディズニーリゾート Tōkyō Dizunī Rizōto ).
- Likes: Bathhouses, prostitutes and Prostitute Bathhouses, golfing with his father who reportedly averages 2 or 3 hole-in-one’s per round (source North Korean Golf Digest).
- Dislikes: the limelight, Oprah Winfrey, Butterfinger candy bars.
Recent sitings include Macau, Austria, Beijing, Moscow and the South of France.
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김설송 Kim Sul-song (b.1974) no information available, composite image generated.
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김정철 Kim Jong-chul (b.1981) aka- chol pak, the “effeminate one”
Currently serving out a term as Deputy Chief of the Worker’s party. Studied at the International School of Berne, in Gümligen, Switzerland where he learned to curl hair and pronounce the letter “L” .
- Likes: riding in dad’s armored train car and getting fresh lobster delivered by heliport
- Dislikes: Duran Duran, Nuclear physics
Recent Sitings: 2006 Eric Clapton Concert in Germany, FIFA world cup game
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김정운 Kim Jong-un (b.1983) aka “the diabetic”
A card carrying member of the National Defense commision. Known to have attended school with his brother in Switzerland where he excelled on the Backgammon squad and earned a reputation as an avid spelunker. If North Korea is going to play the Dynasty card, This Kim will most likely be the family front man
- Likes: temper tantrums and talking dirty in German
- Dislikes: Accompanying his father to brain surgeries
Sightings: none
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Assorted other illegitimate children who could not be reached for comment
Lover Daughter Mieko 美惠子-daughter of a Japanese dancer. Lives in Japan and telephones on Birthdays and public holidays
Love son Kim Hyong-nam aka Kim Don Juan- not sure whether he even exists, but was apparently adopted at birth either by extended Kim family or by a pack of wolves
150-200: number of birdshot pellets still lodged in Harry Whittington’s body
Bumper Cars, How fitting… Dick
More than a feeling: 3 unforgiving moments in the life of Maximilien Robespierre
To understand the madness of a man ruled by terror, consider 3 moments that molded him into legend.
1. Rejection in Youth / 1774- afternoon pep rally at the Lycée Louis-le-Grand A High School in downtown Paris. it’s raining.
Everyone is waiting with eagerness to get a glimpse of the newly crowned king and his 14 year old Austrian bird. Young Max stands near the front. He has been selected by the headmaster to give the welcoming address to Louis. For days, Max has agonized over just what to say first, how he will bow, and whether or not he will make eye contact with queen.
Hours pass… it continues to rain
Everyone is now thoroughly drenched. The teachers begin to file the students back to the classrooms… when suddenly the royal carriage is spotted at the school gates. Max’s heartbeat rises. He needs to pee really bad. The carriage door swings open and The Headmaster is asked to approach…
The headmaster returns from the carriage in a bad mood, “Hurry up and read your speech boy.” Max looks at the carriage. The royal couple are inside tickling each other. “Go on, His majesty doesn’t want to get his wig wet.
The only sound is rain pelting down on Max’s speech notes. Max looks down and can’t decipher a bit of it. He tries his best to remember what it was he wanted to say. His classmates begin to snicker. The next day he sees his name on the bathroom wall. He has been dubbed a wanker.
2. Ostracism by friends and family / 9th of Thermidor, Year II (aka 27 July, 1794)
A mature Robespierre has outdone himself in recent years. Not only has he vanquished and beheaded some of France’s most popular political figures, He has also started a religion… the Cult of The Supreme Being, complete with rites… song and dance. The cult never takes off. Max enforces it… bigger rituals, more doctrine, funkier hats… Failure.
And so it goes with everything else… Now on the 9th day of the month of Thermidor, it’s raining and yet another speech prepared on behalf of the Commitee on Public Safety. This time Robespierre is shouted out before he can begin. His rivals who call for his arrest, have had enough war on terror. Max must flee. He and his only surviving friends, the last band stand of the Jacobins, are now being hunted through the corridors of the Hôtel de Ville by the republican guard.
Augustin, Max’s brother, is there. He was talking tough a few hours ago- I’ll stand by you, brother’s keeper and all that jazz- now he wards off the fuzz by jumping through a window and breaking both his legs… One comrade says goodbye to revolution by falling down the stairs, another one shoots himself in the head.
And so it’s down to Maximilien in a room with a view. The guards are about to barge through the doors… Max has to pee. And this is where things get fuzzy. The arresting officer claims he shot Robespierre. But inside sources say Robespierre was attempting suicide… and failed. The gunshot made an impact but only on his face: Robespierre is alive but he can’t move his jaw.
3. More than a feeling / Next Morning July 28.
Robespierre has his head turbaned and he’s being carted out to the main event execution stage. People begin to cheer. Max, still slightly concussed, begins humming to himself…
I looked out this morning and the sun was gone
Turned on some music to start my day
I lost myself in a familiar song
I closed my eyes and I slipped away
It’s “More than a feeling”…. by the time he reaches the platform he sees Marianne, the National emblem of France, walking away. Nearly 182 years later he’ll meet Tom Scholz in the MIT Library and pass the song on to him. Mike Huckabee will meet Robespierre in a dream and will be convinced to employ the song as the main theme for his “sure fire” election win.
But on this day, Robespierre alone will face the guillotine heads up towards the blade, screaming out a guitar solo as the bandages are ripped off his face and the Reign of terror meets a sharp end.
Power and Headgear
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- Thank you Kohen Gadol for the idea of formal shaman urban-turban wear
- Thank you Michael III, the drunkard, for making it imperially cool to wear hats
- Thank you Leo IX for the Papal Bull, delineating who was entitled to wear a snowcone
- Thank you Padre Pio for having no hand in this whatesoever
- Thank you Pope Shenouda III for bringing back the bling
- Thank you Vesalius for calling the mitral valve, mitral
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