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The Spawn: A look inside the North Korean nuclear family

The DPRK by night… a great place to set up a telescope

North Korea at night in the dark hungry for power to light up the grid DPRK

It has recently been reported that North Korea is flaring up… again. This is not the first time that the country has played the wild card and threatened to blow up the universe. North Korea is mad about nuclear weapons. Maybe it has something to do with that fateful day July 9, 1950 when Douglas MacArthur suggested blowing up the North with atomic bombs.

“I see here a unique use for the atomic bomb…to strike a blocking blow”

I can see how MacArthur would think that. By October of 1950, B-29s had already unloaded 866,914 gallons of napalm on the Northern lands. The war would of course linger on and the truce that started in 1953 is now considered over. Pyongyang has been a little klepto since 1950 about getting their hands on the yellow cake. When South Korea announced plans that they would board and search vessels coming in and out of the harbor. North Korea went ballistic. But who’s in charge up there?

Kim Jong Il, fearless leader and film buff, seems to be suffering from complications of a stroke and/or bad haircut. This may or may not have precipitated missile launching. It’s difficult to say just who is in control in Pyongyang today. Obviously there is a lot at stake for the top Military Brass who have dedicated their lives to support the national brainwash. But what of the Kim Dynasty? Who will take up the burden and paint themselves across the country as the Eternal president 공화국의 영원한 주석? Who will tend to the Family Mausoleum?

Kenji Fujimoto, the personal sushi chef for Kim Jong-il wrote a tell-all memoir aptly titled, I Was Kim Jong Il’s Cook. Mr. Fujimoto is no doubt a much better chef than biographer, however he is one of the only earthlings to have ever wined and dined the Kim family. His character studies may shed light on the future of the Juche State. Kim Jong Il has done his share of fruiting and multiplying. By fertilizing as many different women as possible he has ensured a stronger chance at genetic variability for North Korea’s future. Here are some of his works:

김정남 Kim Jong-nam (b.1971) alias- Pang Xiong “Fat Bear”

Firstborn illegitimate child of Kim Jong Il and DPRK movie starlet. Raised in secret and fed only kim chee and cheetos. Arrested at Narita airport in 2001 while trying to visit Tokyo Disneyland (東京ディズニーリゾート ,Tōkyō Dizunī Rizōto).

  • Likes: Bathhouses, prostitutes and Prostitute Bathhouses, golfing with his father who reportedly averages 2 or 3 hole-in-one’s per round (source North Korean Golf Digest).
  • Dislikes: the limelight, Oprah Winfrey, Butterfinger candy bars.

Recent sitings include Macau, Austria, Beijing, Moscow and the South of France.


김설송 Kim Sul-song (b.1974) identity in question, possible composite image generated.


김정철 Kim Jong-chul (b.1981) aka- chol pak, the “effeminate one”

Currently serving out a term as Deputy Chief of the Worker’s party. Studied at the International School of Berne, in Gümligen, Switzerland where he learned to curl hair and pronounce the letter “L” .

  • Likes: riding in dad’s armored train car and getting fresh lobster delivered by heliport
  • Dislikes: Duran Duran, Nuclear physics

Recent Sitings: 2006 Eric Clapton Concert in Germany, FIFA world cup game


김정운 Kim Jong-un (b.1983) aka “the diabetic” new fearless leader

A card carrying member of the National Defense commision. Known to have attended school with his brother in Switzerland where he excelled on the Backgammon squad and earned a reputation as an avid spelunker. If North Korea is going to play the Dynasty card, This Kim will most likely be the family front man

  • Likes: temper tantrums and talking dirty in German
  • Dislikes: Accompanying his father to brain surgeries

Sightings: none


Assorted other illegitimate children who could not be reached for comment

Lover Daughter Mieko 美惠子-daughter of a Japanese dancer. Lives in Japan and telephones on Birthdays and public holidays

kim jong il riding the choo choo trainKim don juan

Love son Kim Hyong-nam  aka Kim Don Juan- not sure whether he even exists, but was apparently adopted at birth either by extended Kim family or by a pack of wolves


One comment on “The Spawn: A look inside the North Korean nuclear family

  1. cultandpaste
    June 2, 2009

    update : Chip off old brock, Jong-un, or Jong-eun or Jung-woon has just been named successor to his father as leader of the KWP. Rumors are also precipitating that the young Prince is a fan of Jean-Claude Van Damme. I could watch some subtitled bloodsport.

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