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be careful where you clique

Glowing Monkeys and the Next Logical Step

space chimp ham monkey astronaut grawitz tumor

So monkeys officially glow now and of course the next logical question is where do we go from here? One possibility is to cure diseases and know ourselves more fully and, of course, the other is to complete the work of people like Dr. Mengele and Dr. Ishi of unit 731 by proxy- to know for the sake of knowing, manipulate, exploit however we please because yes we can (as long as it’s not human).

I don’t think glowing monkeys have a habitat outside of a lab. There was Neverland ranch, but even that’s gone. Bubbles, Michael Jackson’s famed chimp has been placed on suicide watch after the Bankruptcy-Bahrain-Child-Molestation-rhinoplasty debacle(s). The history of hominid experimentation has definitely been a very bumpy journey. In 1961, NASA sent chimp #65 into space. The Russians had already done the mammalian thing. Laika (Лайка) the dog, a russian mutt, was the first creature with tits in space. Sadly Laika didn’t make it home alive. It was never part of the plan.  She did however make it onto a couple of Cold War era stamps where she is portrayed enjoying her blowout.

Chimp #65 was a bit more complicated. He originally came from Cameroon and had to be convinced that space travel was in his best interest. This was done with the aid of xanax coated banana pellets and mild electric shock. (Photo below of #65 thinking over his options- go up in rocket or more taser and waterboarding.) Lucky for #65, the von Braun rocket did work and he floated back to earth in restrained comfort. NASA didn’t name him Ham until he returned safely from his trip, you know how those things play out in the press, remember Laika? Giving an animal a name only makes things more complicated. Ham spent the rest of  his years in a zoo trying to open the escape hatch. He died in 1983, not glowing.

Ham the chimp being told that he must go to space before he can have any more banana drugs


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