cult and paste

be careful where you clique

The Uighur endowment, a Casio hack and some brain damage

Aerial Satellite Photo Palau part of the Coalition of the willing

Part I. Palau or Bust

Those 22 Uighurs we picked up in Tora Bora, Afghanistan are now a problem. Turns out they weren’t training to terrorize us, they were actually training to terrorize the People’s Liberation Army.  So going home to Uighurville suddenly isn’t very compatible with life, neither is their extended Cuban holiday. (Note: Uighurville doesn’t actually exist on paper. It’s more of a state of mind. Let’s just call it Northwest China)

Some pre-released Uighurs have already been sent to Albania… obviously to learn about democracy and to share Uighur seed, while the rest of the Uighur majority remain in a Guantanamo doublewide, catching 22hrs of artificial sunlight per day. I wonder if they use energy saver bulbs down there.

Meanwhile, Eric Holder and the lawdog holding company are desperately trying to find a parallel universe to drop them to: An old space probe? That really deep mineshaft in Russia? An Island… but a special island. Like that one run by scientists and peopled by a mix of plane crash victims and polar bears… wait. What about Bermuda? Or that other island friend of ours

Retrofuture space station life

Palau, you know Palau…. Coalition of the willing? The free, independent, kind-of-America-kind-of-not-island-nation about to sink into Pacific? After Germany, Australia, Canadia and the rest of the Chinese pressurized world said no, Palau caved. They don’t see any China, they only see Taiwan, and that spells “permanent Uighur vacation”.

The Palauans (Palauanese, Palauis sp.?)… they may be an Atoll but they ain’t cheap. Rumor over the “waves” says some USD 200 million will be infused into the island nation like some kind of inheritance estate plan. Most of that money will be used to purchase sandbags and recreate a small Uighurville on the North Side.

These Uighur guys are some tough cookies, they weren’t at summer camp in Afghanistan making arts and crafts. But now they’re really loony. With years in secret detention, regular beatings and solitary confinement, they could use a little R&R.

Nag Mohammed is one the Uighurs on the block right now. Here’s his Guantanamo bay Report Card

Nag Mohammed is a 26-year-old Chinese citizen who is an ethnic Uighur from the Xinjiang province of China. Mohammed was last interviewed in mid 2003. He had disciplinary action on 27 May 2003 for spitting, throwing water and body fluids on a guard. Mohammed has had no discipline during this calendar year. Mohammed has been suspected as being a probable member of the East Turkistan Islamic Movement (ETIM). He is suspected of having received training in an ETIM training camp in Afghanistan.”


Part II: The Casio F-91W

Owning a watch may increase your coolness and magnetism about town, however it could also make you a potential target to be a potential terrorist with potential to terrorize. To illustrate this point, We’ve employed a flickr pic of a photographer identified only as the Hank. As you can see the Hank is eating, but he’s also wearing a Casio F-91W wristwatch. Not only does this timepiece run a multiplex program (Alarm-Stopwatch-Time AND light display), it also aids and abets Al Queda. Cultandpaste does not know the Hank and in no way insinuates that he is anything more than a Casio F-91W wristwatch and that this is a great photograph.

the hank takes a bite. by chopchops.Casio F91W guts circuitboard chip

Unlike Cultandpaste, The Defense Department picked up a number of people in Afghanistan simply because they were wearing the Casio F-91W  and olive green pants… at the very same time. Apparently the watch can be converted into a detonator and the pants can make your legs disappear. Disappearing Detonator Detainees. Careful Hank.

Up at Seton Hall, research is being compiled…. the Denbeaux Report, which can be accessed here. It’s an ongoing assessment of the detainee debacle with a thorough investigation into what the Government says and what it can actually prove.


Part III: Sean Baker and the Brain Damage

Baker Sourced

The New York Times and the LA times ran a piece here and here on this guy in June 2005. Eveyone was pretty numbed by all the terror and torture back then. Kentucky man, Sean Baker. An every day average US Army Joe the plumber kind of guy, he’s got a wife and kid, probably a mortgage. Baker is sent down to Guantanamo and is asked to serve in a training drill for the “internal reaction force”. The IRF is some kind of mysterious in-house stazi-esque riot squad that rampages through the prison “irf'”ing detainees.

Specialist Baker is some kind of guinea pig for the IRF guys and he had his head covered and his classy orange jumpsuit on when the IRF crew arrived. Like a folgers commercical, they had no idea their detainee had been secretly switched with a soldier.

The Irfing begins, but it doesn’t stop. Even when Baker says the “safe” word- RED. The IRF clowns continue mashing his head to the floor a few more times. Sean Baker is whisked off to Walter Reed Hospital and the Army doctors confirm in their reports that Baker suffered “Traumatic Brain Damage”. Baker did an interview with a local Kentucky TV station where he shows off his pill collection and luxurious unemployed status. The Army, now speaking as an army of one, issued a statement through voicebox Maj. Laurie Arellano. She insinuated that while the rough-houing did take place, the brain damage wasn’t really all that bad.

guantanamo hallway


3 comments on “The Uighur endowment, a Casio hack and some brain damage

  1. Tay
    June 30, 2009

    I had a Casio f-91 when I was a kid. I love that watch! Now I know that if I wear it some trained intelligence officer will view me with suspicion somewhere. that makes me sad…

  2. cultandpaste
    June 30, 2009

    it’s a great gift idea… for the people who seem to have everything.

  3. cat
    June 25, 2012

    The watch has “Made In Malaysia” stencil on the backplate.

    Does that make Malaysia a terrorist country ?

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